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Monkey Personals


Hammer Comes Clean:
You Can Touch This

Oakland, CA Last Tuesday a startling announcement came from Hammer (formerly MC) reversing his long-time position “you can’t touch this!”

“I have maintained the façade for long enough. It was time to own up to the reality of the situation. All along it was easy for people, especially the ladies, to touch this,” said Hammer, who now serves as a pastor in Oakland.

In the wake of the announcement two camps have formed. Each has its own interpretation of the motivation behind Hammer’s actions. One group, which includes many of his pastoral flock, holds that the announcement comes in an attempt to gain credibility as a repentant soul. The other group contends that Hammer is making this announcement to test the ground for a possible tell-all book about his rapping days.

One member of Pastor Hammer’s congregation had this to say to Generally Awesome, “Hammer has always been religious deep down. Even look at the lyrics of the song at the heart of this controversy. ‘My, my, my music hits me so hard / Makes me say "Oh my Lord" / Thank you for blessing me / With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.’ Finally he is owning up to his past and putting his life in the hands of the Lord.”

Skeptics charge that money is at the base of all this. “We have seen it time and time again. Celebrity goes broke; celebrity wants the high life back; celebrity dishes dirt and gets money for it. Hammer is falling into a cycle we’re all familiar with,” said one Hollywood beat reporter.

The most recent development in this on-going story came late last week with tabloid headlines reporting details on “Hammer’s Unholy Church Fundraiser.” According to the tabloids sources close to Hammer’s congregation report that an upcoming Church Carnival/Fundraiser will include a booth manned by Hammer himself. The draw of the booth is the sign that allegedly reads, “$5 touches all.”

Hammer’s pastoral staff is denying these allegations. But so far they have also refused access to the warehouse where preparations for the carnival is being made. By so doing they may be either passing up an opportunity to put this controversy to rest or attempting to cover up facts that might embarrass the rapper turned spiritual leader.

      Story by GA staff with reporting from Matt Burnham.

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