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Posted 2/23/2004

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Philanthropists Found
Fake University

Nothing says “Go F-U!” like official Fake University merchandise. Click here to buy.

New York, NY After a three-month period of secrecy philanthropists John and Jane Dough have made public the fact that they are founding a new institution of higher education, which will bear the name Fake University named for Jane (maiden name Fake) Dough’s great grandfather. Plans, which originally began in late 2003, were made public at a press conference in Manhattan.

“We have been serious about helping out with higher education for some time, but for a long time we were not sure what our role would be,” said Mr. Dough. “We wanted to find a way to give that would benefit us and higher education to the fullest extent.”

Philanthropic endeavors are nothing new to the Doughs. The couple has been a long-time contributor to a wide array of educational projects.

“It [higher education] was really the only place left in the educational process where we had not contributed,” Mrs. Dough told reporters. “For example we give money to religious pre-school head-start programs. In Texas, we have funded a kindergarten gun safety program for the last 10 years. We help inner-city elementary kids with a series called 'Investment Advice.' We have several Middle School pre-driver’s ed courses. Our dollars are behind a nation-wide abstinence education program for teen mothers. Even adult education has been a focus for us with our needle-exchange/literacy program for junkies who don’t know how to read.”

Skeptics, however, are not convinced of the altruism on the Dough’s part. Detractors claim that these programs are motivated by the tax breaks that the Doughs will be eligible for as a result.

“Mr. Dough is only worried about moolah. Mrs. Dough doesn’t love her fellow man, she only loves her bread,” said former financial advisor W. C. Meek.

Although no announcement was made with regard to the location of Fake University some courses of study have already been announced. The courses are geared toward practical application. One course is a master’s degree for fisherman in Bating Arts.

In a related story, junkie Ralph Needler heard the headline and commented, “Oh man! I have been looking for that school for a long time. It sucks to hear that someone else found it. Who is this ‘Philanthropists’? With a wussy name like that I’m sure I can kick his Greek ass!”

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