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Monkey Personals


Posted 2/08/2004

1. Epigrammies #216/217
2. Mad Cow Self Test
3. Failed T-Shirt Ideas
4. Von Dutch Stands for VD
5. Tai Chi vs. Chai Tea

Other Generally Awesome Headlines:     View All!Howard Dean is the Hulk!Lawyer Finds Extra Loopholes in Hockey Skate

Pirate Made Over
by Queer Eye

These photos show Captain Kirk Schluptky in his dwelling aboard his ship before and after his make over.

New York, NY Bravo’s hit show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where heterosexual men get lifestyle coaching from gay experts, will take on a new type of masculine-as-they-come, man’s man – a pirate – on an upcoming episode.

“When we received Schluptky’s photo (above left) and application to be on the show, we took one look and decided he would be a perfect candidate,” one producer told Generally Awesome.

The Captain, as Schluptky likes to be called, is a retired skipper who spent most of his sailing days in the Caribbean Sea based out of Key West, FL. After retiring two years ago he decided to dock his sloop in a slip in the New York area. He applied in hopes of helping his social life in NYC.

“Those five guys came at with me with a lot of new ideas and changes. For an old seaman like me change is about as easy as getting barnacles off the ship's hull,” said Schluptky. “I had to give up a lot if things. I am just glad they let me keep the frilly shirt in my wardrobe.”

Fashion Savant Carson Kressley was impressed by the flamboyant character of the shirt, but persuaded the old buccaneer to retire his eye-patch and belt sword, calling both items “so predictable and cliché.”

As part of his make over the Captain had to trade in his beloved rum for a more hip drink suggested by Ted Allen, the food and wine connoisseur. Culture Vulture Jai Rodrigues suggested that he replace outdated phrases from his vernacular, like “shiver me timbers” and “thar she blows,” with more contemporary ones like, “don’t even go there,” and “oh, my goodness, did you just see what she was wearing?”

In the Captain's quarters aboard the ship Design Doctor Thom Filicia had his work cut out for him. The small living space with its cluttered shelves lining the walls was masterfully masked by an oyster white satin curtain, with bronze colored spherical shapes as adornment.

Last to have his shot at the seaman was the Grooming Guru. Kyan Douglas gave this marauder some great advice. “You should be proud and let your age and experience show through. First, stop using shoe polish as beard dye. It’s too hard to apply and color evenly. You need a clean look so you won’t want to hide yourself from the world with that bandana.”

When it was all over, the Captain’s friends were quite impressed. Schluptky’s former first mate, who introduced himself only as Scotty said this, “I think Captain Kirk’s change was for the better. Now he’s a dead ringer for Sean Connery, ala Oscars 2003.”

For rare animals from miniature rodeo bulls to coturnix quail visit www.HatchFarms.com

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