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Monkey Personals


Posted 1/25/2004

1. Mad Cow Self Test
2. Failed T-Shirt Ideas
3. Von Dutch Stands for VD
4. Tai Chi vs. Chai Tea
5. Marilyn Monroe

Other Generally Awesome Headlines:     MORE!50 Cent & Ja Rule Worried about Beef, Test for Mad CowDo-Gooder Reports Suspicious Package in NYC Subway

Howard Dean is the Hulk!

Anger causes Dean’s alter ego to come to the surface.

Sioux City, Iowa After an upsetting third place finish in the Iowa caucuses, Democratic Presidential hopeful Howard Dean, long renowned for his furious temper, showed the American public his true self. At his concession speech the former Vermont Governor became so upset that he let out a violent scream, turned green and grew huge muscles. That blew his long time secret—he is the Hulk.

“I just wanted to show my supporters a little of what I was made of, but I ended up getting more worked up than expected,” said Governor Dean, who admits that he was planning on revealing his true identity as the Hulk at a later date. Dean went on to say, “I was hoping to hold on to that little fact as my political trump card, but now the cat is out of the bag.”

Dean’s supporters are not discouraged, choosing instead to focus on the positive. Many think that it may intimidate weaker candidates out of the race. Early polls indicate that the recent revelation has increased his support by as many as 9 points in some states. Some commentators are speculating that this will bolster his popularity with younger voters in November.

“There are numerous advantages, now that we don’t have to conceal Dean’s true identity,” the campaign director for Dr. Dean told reporters. “For example, we are going to save a lot on travel expenses. For instance, Gov. Dean was so mad after the caucuses in Iowa that he leaped to New Hampshire in a single bound to keep campaigning. That saves a lot of money and time, which are very important and scarce resources when you’re on the campaign trail.”

Political strategists are hailing the Democrats choice of a larger than life front-runner to face off against a president who seems untouchable going into this election year.

At the same time rumors have begun to circulate in the tabloids that there are other super-heroes in disguise vying for the Democratic nomination.

“There is a photo of Senator Kerry floating around out there as Wolverine from X-men. A spokesman for Kerry claims that it is from Halloween two years ago, but everyone is suspicious since the Dean revelation,” said George Stephanopoulos.

Rumors about the true identity of other leading Democratic hopefuls are also beginning to fly. There are reports that retired General Wesley Clark is actually Captain America, which many suspect he started himself. Others allege that Carol Mosely Braun, who recently left the race, is Cat Woman. Some former staffers for Al Sharpton have even said that the reverend once claimed in all seriousness, “I am Batman!”

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