Ever since I was like thirteen years old and started listening to G n’ R I have wanted to get a tattoo. I had this awesome one picked out. It was a giant grim reaper wearing a purple robe. I was going to have it tattooed on my forearm. The only bummer was since I was underage I had to get my parents’ permission, and they weren’t down with the whole tattoo thing. I tried to get some of my twenty-one year old party friends to help me out, but I soon found out that getting a tattoo as a minor is nothing like getting your hands on alcohol. So I decided to just wait ‘til I turned eighteen. Plus it turns out that it was not all that bad to wait. I had plenty of other things to keep me busy, like petty crimes. On top of that, I have had a lot of time to think of cool tattoos while I was in juvie. Here’s a list of the coolest tattoos that I could think of.

1. Location: Upper lip. Tattoo: Handle-bar mustache.

2. Location: Chest, shoulders, back, and arms (only down to mid biceps.) Or in other words, farmer-tan zone. Tattoo: You’ve seen those T-shirts that have the front of tuxedo printed on them, right? Yeah, just think about having that as a tattoo!

3. Location: Palm of Hand. Tattoo: The phrase, “Talk to the Hand!” I can think of two contingencies for which this tattoo is very helpful. Like, if I am at a party and get too drunk to really string together a complete thought, and then some dude wants to flip me some s^&* I can just show him the palm of my hand. Or if I OD on some hard drugs, have a stroke, and suffer brain damage causing me to become a mute, then when people get all up in my face, I can just show the tattoo.

4. Location: Under the tips of my fingernails. Tattoo: Black ink meant to look like dirt. This one would be to trick my girlfriend to think that I am actually working, since I am too much of a lazy criminal schlub to actually work.

5. Location: Cheeks. Tattoo: On one cheek, the letters “A” and “S.” On the other cheek only the letter “S.” Or alternately, on one cheek, the letters “B” and “U.” On the other cheek, the letters “T” and “T.” I think the latter might be a better choice, since it would look more symmetrical and would be less offense to people when I moon them.

by CWH