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Harvard Confers Law Degrees On Inflatable Sharks
Cambridge, MA (AP) At commencement last Thursday, Harvard University conferred law degrees upon the graduating Law School class, as well as upon their plastic-shark counter parts. This happened inadvertently as HLS Dean Robert C. Clark broke from the scripted remarks while presenting the J.D. degree candidates, who were holding plastic inflatable sharks above their heads.
“Mr. President… I present these individuals, and their plastic sharks, to you for the degree of Juris Doctorate, having completed at least three years of study… in the area of the law,” said Clark [italics added]. Harvard University President Larry Summers continued with the script and conferred the degrees, not realizing that by so doing, he was also awarding degrees to the plastic sharks.
“This moment marks a great moral victory for inflatable-animal rights advocates everywhere,” said a PETA spokesman. “Finally, the blow-up sharks are being recognized for their great contributions to case law in this country. Even if it did come by accident, we’ll take it!”
One HLS professor, who granted an interview on the condition that we not use his name, told Generally Awesome Dotcom that for years plastic sharks had been working behind the scenes as Teaching Fellows correcting exams, and as classroom stenographers, cleverly disguising themselves as thirty-something secretary types to avoid detection. He went on to say that he felt this credit was long overdo.
The head of the ISSA (Inflatable Shark Student Association), who is also founder and current treasurer of the BGLTPSSA (Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Trans-gendered, Plastic Sharks & Supporters Association) Damon Hammer-Head, told reporters after the ceremony that he was proud that the University was expanding its commitment to diversity, but felt that there was still work to be done. “While I am pleased by efforts to integrate the blow-up shark community into the larger HLS one, the University must not stop there. HLS must endeavor to include the most marginalized among us, whose gender identification and sexual preference do not conform to tradition, whether those individuals be inflatable or actually alive.”