Grand Bahama, Bahamas At a medical conference held over the weekend the Louisiana Association of Physicians and Doctors Against Negligent Community Events (L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E.) declared herpes the “official sexually transmitted disease of Mardi Gras.”

“We made the announcement to raise awareness,” said L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. president Edward Puritan. “People need to know that behind the allure of all the drinking, the gratuitous nudity, and the anonymous promiscuity lurks something sinister- that being the risk of catching something on your privates.”

L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. organizers came up with the vote as a way to include all members in the process of targeting STD’s. Herpes won a clear victory gaining 57% of the vote.

“I think the fact that Herpes is not fatal makes it seem less scary to people,” said Dr. Doom. “What people need to remember is that there is no cure for herpes. I think the doctors took that into consideration when they voted.”

While herpes garnered the majority of the votes several other notable STD’s received votes as well. Gonorrhea (featured on the ballot as “the Clap”) won 15% of the vote. Chlamydia, which had shown strong in pre-vote polling, was a disappointing third with 13%. 17 other STD’s accounted for the rest of voting, including three write in ballots voting for “your mom.” The origin of those votes are not known, but were possibly submitted by several of the bus boys working at the banquet hall.

“I really hope that none of our members wrote that on the ballot. I would hope that all of our members would know that ‘your mom’ is not herself an STD, despite the fact that she may carry one or more,” said L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. founder Dr. Spike.

According to some estimates the rate of contraction for STD’s more than doubles during the days of partying at Mardi Gras. Some other uncorroborated statistics that this reporter heard in the newsroom earlier today include: “You are twice as likely to catch chlamydia if you already have herpes.” “Syphilis is twice as painful as Gonorrhea.” “If a guy knows that a girl has an STD his likelihood of hooking up with that girl drops by 65% on average.”

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