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Posted 10/16/2004

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Paternity Tests Confirm Yankees Are Pedro’s Father


Boston, MA Friday afternoon a group of researchers at Beth Israel Medical Center in Boston announced the results a paternity test which confirms that the Yankees are indeed Pedro Martinez’s biological father. But which one of them, you ask? ALL of THEM!

“Through extensive DNA sequencing techniques we were able to analyze the DNA of Pedro Martinez and compare it to the DNA of all the members of the Yankees starting line-up as well as that of Steinbrenner and Joe Torre. What we discovered was that Pedro is carrying a composite gene made up of parts of all the Yankees,” said the team leader.

The scientists were able to conduct tests on the DNA of these players after reaching a licensing agreement with Major League Baseball, the terms of which were not made public.

On the heals of this announcement the scientific community was set abuzz with queries into how such a thing could be possible. Researchers from MIT announced plans for the same expository article to be published concurrently in Nature Magazine and Baseball Weekly which will explain how the team of geneticist, fertility doctors, bio-engineers, physicist and theoretical astro-physicist were able to accomplish such a feat.

At the press conference the MIT researcher were pressed by reporters for more details and replied only that “after resolving a couple quantum mechanical issues the procedure was a relatively simple matter of time-travel, chromosome splitting, reverse bio-engineering and covert insemination.”

They made only that short statement, saying that further information would be forthcoming in the article, which should hit newsstands just in time for the World Series, and may overshadow the Series due to its monumental implications for the sport of baseball.

No word yet as to whether or not Pedro’s mother will pursue legal action against the deep-pocketed Yankees to receive back child support payments.

Concept by Matt Burnham, written by GA staff!







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