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Posted 9/02/2004

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Kerry Threatens to Tell Bush’s Mom on Him


New York, NY In a hand-written note hastily jotted on a napkin Presidential hopeful John Kerry informed incumbent rival Pres. Bush of his plan to contact his mother unless he calls off the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth.

In the handwritten letter obtained by Generally Awesome Dotcom in a manner which is not relevant to the story, Kerry threatens Bush, “If you don’t stop the name calling I am going to tell your mom.”

The letter goes on to outline the consequences of his of failure to comply. “If you don’t stop then my dad will beat you up. And if you think your dad can protect you, you’re wrong. My dad is tougher than your dad. My dad can beat your dad up!”

Perhaps hoping to further persuade Bush, Kerry went on in the letter to mention that his father owned a bazooka and nunchucks (nunchaku). Generally Awesome Dotcom was not able to verify these claims.

When asked for a comment, one local elementary school third grader had this to say, “My dad always says ‘sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’”

Another classmate added, “If I were Kerry and those guys were calling me ‘not a hero’, I would just say ‘I know you are but what am I.’”










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