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Posted 4/20/2006

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Ironically Postmaster General Catches Bin Laden, Surgeon General Catches Bird Flu

This dog was nicknamed Bin Laden Barstow, CA -- Just as the trial of Saddam Hussein is heating up other purveyors of terror have been caught by United States Generals, but ironically these Generals were not part of the Armed Forces. On Wednesday the US Postmaster General proudly announced the successful capture of the long sought after ‘Bin Laden.’ The capture was the result of coordination between officials at the Post Office and animal control.

"The first time I saw this dog he was pooping on a picture of Osama Bin Laden in the yard. Soon thereafter he began to terrorize me every time I came to make a delivery. That’s when I started to call the dog ‘Bin Laden,’ not because of the photo incident but because this pooch is truly a terrorist, " one former Postal Employee related to Generally Awesome Reporters.

After terrorizing one letter carrier into an early retirement ‘Bin Laden’ then spent the next four months pestering substitute Postmen, chomping at trainees and chasing seasonal workers. Workers’ complaints accumulated to the point that the matter rose to the attention of the Postmaster General.

"These Postmen are out there on the front lines risking their necks everyday just to get the mail through," the General said. "Every good General worries about his soldiers. That’s why I ordered this capture."

Animal control helped coordinate the capture along with Postal officials. The on-the-ground work was carried out by professionally trained dogcatchers.

"We just slipped a 'Mickey' into a big slab of steak. That dog went for it right away. We just had to wait a couple minutes for the roofies to kick in. Once the dog was passed out it was a piece of cake," said one dogcatcher.

When asked by reporters where he got the roofies, the snaggle toothed, unkempt dogcatcher mumbled something unintelligible, scratched his head, and turned and walked off at a brisk clip.

In a related story, the Surgeon General of the United States caught an agent of fear and hysteria this week--the ‘Bird’ flu. Center for Disease Control Officials were annoyed at the unofficial nickname given to the Surgeon General’s ailment. This illness was dubbed the ‘Bird’ flu because the first person in the office to contract it was Layla Bird, one of the secretaries.

Professor of Irony at Iona College, John H. Crabtree made the following observation. "The irony of this situation is ample and abundant. First, is the fact that the Surgeon, who leads this nation’s fight against illness and disease, got sick. Then, his illness, the flu, came at a time of year when it is dying down greatly in terms of numbers of new infections. Lastly, is the fact that this happened despite the fact that he was inoculated by a vaccine that he helped develop. This is one of the most ironic happenings of the year!"


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