"Occasionally lame,
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Posted 12/07/2003

1. FWD: Save My Son!
2. "GA @ the Races" Photos
3. Crossing Jokes
4. Censor Ship
5. Epigrammies #214/215

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Other Generally Awesome Headlines:     MORE!J. Lo Honored For Racial Dexterity Abercrombie Offers ‘50% More Homoeroticism Free!’

9 Yr. Old Finds Missing Link, Scientists Outraged

The missing Link action figure found by 9 year old Billy Biggins.

Pleasantville, NY (AP) On Friday afternoon 9 year old Billy Biggins found the missing Link action figure that he and his whole family had been looking for since the previous Friday. In a poignant moment with his family Billy thanked them for all the effort they put into the search.

“I am just glad that he has it back. You have no idea how sick I am of the question ‘Mommy, have you seen Link,” said Billy’s mother, Mrs. Biggins.

The doll first turned up missing after Billy’s Friday night Nintendo sleepover. According to friends Billy liked to have the doll with him as a good luck charm while playing games from Nintendo’s “Legend of Zelda” franchise. Billy’s older sister also alleges that he slept with his doll, and that he doesn’t sleep well without it.

When confronted with these charges Billy responded, “Link is an action figure not a doll. When are you dummies going to get it? Action figure, not doll!”

Billy found the missing Link in a duffel bag in the garage where he had apparently left it after his dad picked him up from the sleep over on Saturday morning.

In a related story, the Scientific Community reacted with shock and outrage when the headline “9 Yr. Old Finds Missing Link” first ran on news wire services. Researchers, many of whom have dedicated their lives’ work to finding the so-called “missing link” were upset at the prospect of a nine year old beating them to the discovery.

“At first I almost lost my faith in science. I mean the prospect that a simple child could achieve something of that sort before so many PhD’s really shakes the assumptions underlying the research sector,” said paleo-anthropologist Dr. Nova.

A collective sigh of relief went out after subsequent reports cleared up the misunderstanding. The news came just in time for some. “I am just glad I got to the lab in time. I broke the news to a few my colleagues just in time to stop them from suicide. A couple minutes later I would have been to late to stop them from pulling the trigger,” said one scientist who asked to remain anonymous.

And so the search goes on for the “missing link” between man and ape.

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