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Posted 09/13/2003

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College Sophomore Notices ‘Chinese Food Has No Corn’

Jason Stoner is hard at work on his English 98 paper entitled "Shapespear is Cool."

New Yok, NY (AP) In an announcement made to his roommates Saturday morning at 11:30 am, City College sophomore Jason Stoner revealed his startling realization –“Dude, Chinese food doesn’t have any corn in it!” Stoner made his astounding observation after waking up on the couch in the living room of his apartment surrounded by half eaten containers of Chinese food left over from the previous night, and the three evenings prior to that.

In response to Stoner’s announcement one of his roommates was quoted as saying, “I love corn, man! Wait, I mean, I love Korn. They are, like, my favorite band, dude.”

The “corn” announcement comes as the most recent in a string of insightful observations made by Stoner. Other notable recent observations include this one, made by Stoner last Wednesday night after a 1:30 a.m. airing of Baywatch on a local cable channel. “Man, Pamela Anderson has totally had cosmetic surgery. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about implants, dude. I just mean look at how BIG her eyelashes are. They look so fake!”

Sources close to Stoner say the recent streak of perceptiveness can be traced to Stoner’s summer-long hiatus from controlled substances. “Jason needed a summer job to save up some cash, but the only jobs he could get required random drug tests. He gave up partying to hold down a job at the local Speedy-lube. Needless to say we made a lot of jokes about how he gave up weed for a ‘lube-job’,” said a close friend.

Stoner, whose nicknames on campus range from “that wacky pothead” to “f*#%in’ ‘chronic’ loser,” claims he has been clean for about three months now. He cites his 2.3 GPA as proof, up from a 1.9 last semester. “Dude, now that I’m off the drugs I notice all kinds stuff. Like, did you know that blue and purple are actually two different colors?”

Stoner’s parents hope that this perceptivity is a sign of “intellectual growth.” Campus guidance counselor and former hippie Bill Granby says he takes it as evidence of “experimentation with mind expanding substances. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”

Last Week's Headline: College Plans for Vengeance on Rival

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