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Posted 10/05/2003

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Other Headlines:Generally Awesome Spin-Offs?One Fossil Watch Found, Other Still Missing

Man Claims ‘Marshmallow Man Scenario
Theoretically Possible’

If Barry Simpleman’s calculations are correct,
the Marshmallow Man from the film
Ghostbusters could come to pass.

New Yok, NY (AP) In an article due to be published this week in Science Fact Magazine Barry Simpleman explains how a marshmallow man/monster scenario similar to the one portrayed in the popular 1980’s movie Ghostbusters is theoretically possible.

If Simpleman’s calculations are correct it could be theoretically possible to turn 117,437 bags of household marshmallows into a semi-sentient creature the size of a Manhattan skyscraper with a simple sonogram machine.

According to Simpleman, “the molecular properties of marshmallows are unique, making this a distinct possibility. By using a modified ultrasound device I have theorized that it could be possible to duplicate the effects of microwaves on the nucleus of marshmallow atoms. By controlling the reaction it becomes possible to use it as a type of remote control. In the wrong hands, this discovery could reek havoc on the innocent, but that is not a concern for scientists only seeking the truth.”

Critics remain skeptical of the applications of Mr. Simpleman’s research. “To me it sounds like Barry has watched Attack of the Killer Tomatoes one too many times,” said Simpleman’s Ph.D. advisor.

Simpleman responded to these claims, “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a glaring example of a classic sci-fi flicks trying to link the mutations of killer food products to radiation exposure. But through my research I have proven that this, while emotionally compelling, is not a physical possibility.”

Simpleman, a Columbia University Ph.D. candidate in the applied physics department said he sort of stumbled across the discovery. “I was in the University archive looking through old doctoral dissertations and I stumbled across one that was a little odd looking. Turns out it was an unfinished dissertation.”

Simpleman discovered that the unpublished dissertation was written by Paul E. Wannakraka, a Ph.D. candidate at Columbia in the 1980’s. Further investigation revealed police reports about Wannakraka's disappearance soon after the release of the first Ghostbusters movie, apparently for fear of ridicule.

Simpleman said, “It is my honor to carry forward the work of my missing colleague.”

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